Column April 10th

What Would YOU Ask….?
I’m an inquisitive sort of gal most days. Always was. Now as a girl the big problem was never getting any proper answers. These days though, as my stack of women’s magazines and self-help books can attest to, the problem is too many answers. All day, every day, I’m getting answers to questions I had this morning, had last week, questions I haven’t actually asked yet but someone has anticipated my question so…
Answers are fine, really just fine. Lately though, I’ve had at least five answers to every question I’ve asked. Which of course has me asking more questions. So what I’m looking for, what I crave, what I’d really, really appreciate is a DEFINITIVE answer. Some fantastic omnipotent being that knows, and everyone knows it knows so that’s the end of it, already! Someone who can say beyond a shadow of a doubt - “No, take my word for it, red is just not your colour no matter what the shade.”
So what would I ask this useful gal or fella? Oh, millions of things. Sure, I would ask the ‘Big’ questions about our existence and stuff, but first I would want answers to the really important questions:
Should I be counting calories or fat grams? What the heck is trans fat? Can I eat as many chips as I want, as long as they don’t have trans fat? Did I look better when my hair was longer (even the boys are split on this one, and yes, I’ve asked them)? How many swear words do you have to put in a movie to change it from PG13 to 14A? Am I being too permissive if I let Callum go to a 14A even though he is 13? Is switching to 1% milk enough to help you lose weight? How often should you wash your hair?
Is it better to marry for love or companionship? Are they eventually the same thing, does it happen one cold morning when he helps you into your winter coat without your having to ask? What age should you REALLY start having kids - this ship has sailed for me, of course, but I would ask this for all of the up-and-comers. Because it seems to me there are a few regrets attached to whichever age you choose, so someone needs to tell us.
Do you really need an oil change every 3000 km? Seriously? What will happen if I use Oil of Olay products with Almay products - will my skin peel off? If I don’t have time for my stretches after my work out, will I still build muscle or will they just atrophy? Should I have left my husband? Am I really happier now, or do I just tell myself I’m happier?
Equally as important - if I switch to light peanut butter, will I get slimmer but then die from the toxins in the mystery ingredients? How much television is too much? How do you know for sure? Will I make the kids stupid if they watch too much? Is that why some days I’m a little stupid? How long should I spend on the phone - and is it going to damage the kids when I tell them to leave me be for one darn minute so I can talk to my friends? Is Disney World really worth it? How much should I spend on Christmas? Do I have fine lines around my eyes, because sometimes it looks like it but other times it doesn’t?
Am I wasting my life? How do you know when you’re not wasting your life? How do you know when you are? How does everyone else find proper fitting jeans? What length of skirt is the most flattering? Am I a ‘summer’ or an ‘autumn’? Should I carry a big purse or a small one? I think I have a good relationship with my sons - do they think they have a good relationship with me? Why do people like crocs? Are they going to look back 10 years from now and think “What the heck was I thinking?”, sort of like leggings - although I’ve noticed a disturbing return to this trend. And all I can say to that one is “NO!”.
If I only eat 5 serving of fruit and vegetables a day, and they’re mostly fruit, is that what is recommended? Because they tell you 5-10 servings, so I’m within the parameters. Does fruit cocktail with the little cherries in it count? Oh well, I guess it’s all sort of like the way I diet - I just pick through all of the information until it resembles something that makes a little sense to me (right now, I’m loving that whole wine, cheese and chocolate idea). I guess that’s what we all do - although it would be nice to know your REAL bra size, wouldn’t it?